


Looking Back, I See That I Never Really Got It Right.

by yourbeautysfading



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Gen, Season/Series 09, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 14:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourbeautysfading/pseuds/yourbeautysfading
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda for 09x09, "Holy Terror." This does contain spoilers. Written from Dean's point of view with a flash to Kevin's point of view. Title is from Crossfade's "Cold." Critique is much appreciated c:</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Back, I See That I Never Really Got It Right.

You didn’t want this life. No one does, though, right? Some people are raised in this lifestyle. Some enter it looking for revenge. You, you were born into it; you just didn’t know it for the majority of your life. If it hadn’t been for us breaking into that stone and releasing the first tablet, you might still be here today. You might still be completely unaware of the realities the world somehow keeps hidden away from most people. You might have gone to Princeton like you wanted. Hell, you might have even been the first Asian American president of the United States… like you wanted.

Or Dick would have opened the tablet, and you would have gone to it, just as you did with us. And you wouldn’t have made it this far.

No one acknowledged how strong you were. Sure, maybe you weren't out on the front lines, but what you were doing was just as important as our fight, or maybe more so. You were just as important. You are important. You had a gift, or maybe a curse, that no one else possessed. You could do things even the angels couldn’t do. You could read God’s Word. You could change the world for the better. You could change the world. You could change “destiny” or “fate” or whatever the fuck else you want to call it just by translating; do you realize how much power you had? And yet you never abused it. Instead you abused yourself, working too long and too hard trying to decipher the indecipherable. Trying to make us happy so you could go home—you were always trying to make us happy. And you did. And you do. But we never told you that we were happy with your struggles. We rarely told you you were doing a good job or that you were working too hard because we were used to pushing ourselves to the limit. I guess we never thought about the fact that you were killing yourself to earn our approval, to be able to get what needed to be done done so everything would be over. The few times we did tell you that you were doing a good job… usually it was over the phone, but I know you were smiling at hearing it. You needed approval, and if those few times were the only times you were happy… well, we should have praised you more often.

We should have told you that you did good work. You do good work. You were a good person, and you made a difference.

Sam was always the one who knew what to say and when to say it. Me, I was never good at that sentimental shit. I tried to give you pep talks the only way I knew how, and I hope you know that I appreciated you. I appreciate you. I’m just awful at showing how I feel. You should know that about me by now—you’ve been around long enough, and I know that you made plenty of observations even when you were working hard on the tasks we gave you.

I always encouraged you to keep working harder and harder. Or I told you, really. _We’re down to the wire. Kevin, clock’s tickin’._ I was always pushing you, pushing you to get things done, to not waste time. But you were just a kid. That’s no way to treat a kid; I’m surprised you didn’t break completely a long time ago. You were stronger than I ever gave you credit for. And maybe, maybe you viewed this translating as a type of test to keep yourself focused, to hold on to one part of your past. I don’t know. It seems like something you would do, but I guess I don’t know you as well as I should. I never took the time to learn much about you, to really sit down and talk. Sit downs mean feelings, and feelings and I don’t get along. But I should have given that to you. I should have talked to you more often than I did, should have let you take breaks to just be normal sometimes.

Maybe that’s why you were so ready to believe Crowley’s lie about you just being around because you’re useful and us throwing you away when you were no longer of use.

But that’s not how it was, Kevin. It’s not how it is. Even though we weren't the best at showing it, although Sam is definitely better at it than I am, you were family. You _are_ family. You will _always_ be family; all we have is each other, and hopefully that was enough.

The last time we talked, I was worried about something, but I tried to play it off. I told you that you were observant; I thought I played it off real well, but you saw straight through my bullshit and called me out on it. But I still wouldn’t tell you what was wrong. I should have told you. I should have warned you. Maybe then you’d still be alive. I just thought you’d be better off not knowing.

_I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. I’m always translating, always trying to figure out what the hell this all means. This is bigger than anything I’ve ever done before; the whole world depends on me. And I keep running into a brick wall. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m losing the will to keep working on this. There’s so much pressure… and it doesn’t help that Dean is acting weird. He’s hiding something, something important. He thinks he's smart, talking about a “hypothetical” situation, but there’s something really wrong. I wish he would talk to me about it. He says we’re family, and I guess he treats me about the same as he treats Sam –he doesn’t really talk to Sam about things, either. But it still bothers me. How can I help him if he won’t talk to me?_

_Sam storms out of the room after they talk, and I stop him. “Do you notice anything a little bit off about Dean lately? Between you and me, I’m a little worried about him.” I’m told not to worry about him, that he’ll be fine. Sam touches my forehead then, and I’m blinded. Searing pain courses throughout my body; I’m being burned alive from the inside. About the time I register what’s happening, it’s already over._

I told you to trust me. _I always trust you, and I always end up screwed._ I thought you were just being dramatic, but looking back, I realize that was the truth. I don’t know why you had so much blind faith in me. You always ended up hurt or in a bad position, and it was always my fault. Yet you still listened to me, did everything I said and rarely questioned me about it. When you did question me, it was because you were concerned about me, even though I steered you wrong so many times. I heard you tell Sam you were worried about me, and I saw what happened. And I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t do anything.

I’m sure you realized it, but I want you to know that wasn’t Sam. Sam would never have hurt you. The hypothetical situation I gave you, it was about Sam. I was stupid and was able to talk Sam into letting an angel possess him. It’s a long story, but I did what I had to do, what I thought was right at the time. It was selfish, though. I always do selfish things, always tell people to trust me. I always hurt those I love the most by trying to do what I think is right. And I’m sorry about that; I’m so sorry. Apologies aren’t worth shit, though, and I know that. I was just trying to protect you, but I failed. I always fail those I care about more than anything. I always let them down.

If I could change what happened, I would. If it could have been me, I would have taken your place in a heartbeat. Because that’s what family does. They protect each other. I told you I would die for you, that we all would die for you, and I meant it. I would have been more than willing to take your place if it meant that you were able to live and possibly one day get out of this life, but I couldn’t. And I am so sorry.

I don’t know where you ended up, if there’s even a heaven for you to go to anymore. But I hope you find peace that we never let you have here. I hope you find your mom and that girlfriend of yours. I hope your family is put back together wherever you all are and that you’re happy. You deserve to be happy. You _deserve_ to be happy. I hope that if you watch us from wherever you are, we make you just as proud as you made us, even though we never showed that to you. I hope you will forgive me some day. I wish we had let you know how much we appreciated you and cared about you while you were here. If I could go back and change it all, I would.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’ll do whatever I can to avenge you. What you did for us will never be taken lightly; we’ll put what we have to good use. I’ll miss you, Kev.

Goodbye is too final of a word. So I won’t say it.

Sleep well, Kevin. Get the rest you deserve.

We’ll see you again soon, little brother.


End file.
